They say behind every great hag is an even greater fag—and darling, you can be that fabulous bestie. But don’t think it’s all about compliments and cocktails. Oh no, it’s a full-time job. From Mon’s chaotic brilliance to Nina’s protective shield, my hags have taught me that this sacred role requires dedication, sass, and a flair for the dramatic.
Here are ten essential steps to becoming the perfect fag to your hag:
Step 1: Scout for Potential Hags
A great hag is usually spotted in the wild—possibly wielding a Golden Gate Bridge snow globe, laughing too loudly at her own jokes, or confidently rocking a bold red lip in a room full of beige. Think Mon sending glitter bombs or Cat channeling Uma Thurman realness. If she’s unafraid to be seen or heard, she’s a potential candidate.
Step 2: Learn the Art of the Compliment
Every hag needs a fag who can deliver a compliment like it’s the final rose ceremony of The Bachelor.Whether it’s about her shoes, her hair, or the time she casually dismantled her ex’s ego at a dinner party, let her know she’s radiant. Bonus points for using words like “divine,” “iconic,” or “majestic.”
Step 3: Develop a Telepathic Drinking Language
One look across a crowded bar should be all it takes. She nods; you know it’s vodka. You raise an eyebrow; she orders another round. There’s no room for ambiguity here—your telepathy must be sharper than Cat’s eyeliner on a Monday morning.
Step 4: Perfect the Role of the Bodyguard
Every hag will, at some point, attract an unwanted admirer. When Nina shielded me from the jocks in school, she showed me the kind of loyalty I had to pay forward. Whether it’s a drunken creep at a club or her ex at the supermarket, step in, look intimidating (or just raise your green eyebrows, as I once did), and diffuse the situation with charm or sarcasm.
Step 5: Know Your Shared Anthems
You’re not a true fag to your hag until you’ve belted Vogue together at karaoke, preferably while wearing something ridiculous. Know your playlist of empowerment bangers—Madonna, ABBA, Beyoncé, and maybe a sprinkling of Britney. If a dance floor opens up, you lead the way.
Step 6: Be Ready for Midnight Pep Talks
At 3 AM, when she’s sobbing over someone named Tom (or was it Tim?), your phone better be on loud. Whether it’s providing sage advice, googling motivational quotes, or reminding her that she’s too fabulous for mediocre men, you’re on call. Always.
Step 7: Master the Art of Drama
Drama school wasn’t just for the spotlight—it was training for the ultimate fag-hag dynamic. Together, you’ll reenact movie scenes, pretend to faint for effect, or stage elaborate public spectacles to embarrass nosy Karens. Channel your inner Diane and give birth to a football in the middle of the metaphorical classroom.
Step 8: Become the Fashion Consultant
Chanelle and her sisters taught me everything I needed to know about nails, extensions, and wigs. Now, it’s your turn to pass the knowledge along. You don’t have to be Anna Wintour, but you do need to say things like, “Honey, no one’s pulling off chartreuse, not even Rihanna,” with absolute conviction.
Step 9: Share the Spotlight
Yes, you’re fabulous, but remember—it’s a partnership. This is not your one-man show. If she’s feeling down, hand her the figurative microphone and hype her up until she’s the Beyoncé to your Kelly. Friendship is about balance (and the occasional ego boost).
Step 10: Leave a Legacy
Every great fag leaves their mark on their hag’s life—whether it’s a broken snow globe, a singed wig from a failed drag experiment, or just an inside joke that can make her laugh for decades. Create memories that’ll make her say, “You were my best bad decision.”
Final Thought:
Being a fag to a hag isn’t just a role—it’s a lifestyle, an art, a sacred bond that transcends glitter, drama, and late-night kebabs. Mon, Nina, Diane, and all the fabulous hags in my life have shaped me, just as I hope I’ve shaped them. So grab your metaphorical snow globe and go brighten someone’s day. Because in the end, isn’t that what we’re here for?
