LOST

LOST - and I aint talkin bout the TV show!

Hello again,

now there's something bothering me lately. I'm starting to get that feeling again. You know that itchy-scratchy-what-to-do-with-myself-restlessness. I've been thinking about my life, choices I've made and things I've done. There's been a lot of things going on in my life. But never anything I can say I'm proud of.. Not 100% anyway. Apart from moving to London and making it all on my own - with a little help from my freinds.

But it's not enough. Every day I'm reminded of how flawed our world is and how people struggle to make ends meet and survive. It seems that everything boils down to Familly and having people to rely on . But what happens when you DON'T have a familly to rely on? Will your friends be there until the end? (I know they will - but you know what I mean) What will happen when we grow old and have noone to turn to? As a gay man there are absolutely no guarantees that you'll have someone to age with and having a baby, hmmm.. Lets not even tread down that path. Now THAT would be enough for me to want to be a woman!

I'm sure I'd make a really good mother, given the chance. But that's never gonna happen so I'm more than prepared to become a fatherfigure (some day). But even that is not a guarantee that your child won't end up brainwashed and deluded and leave you for the greener grass on another continent - just like I did to my own mother - who in turn told me when she was here less than 2 months ago that she feels no love for her own mother!

The shocking revelation shattered my entire vision of happy famillies and reliabilities in the modern world. My mom told me how she feels trapped where she is because of her own mothers illness and dementia. She said that nan's nothing but a libality and burden and the love she once felt, daughter to mother, no longer was there. All that was left was obligation. What a terrible thing to say.. But I could see the logic in her harsh words as well. Because all of a sudden I felt slightly less for my mother.. Her words have reduced the love I have for her and replaced it with disappontment and little bit of contempt.

My mother gave birth to my baby brother Maksim in April 2000 and my sister Marina followed in March 2002. Its crazy but at the time I hated her for deciding to bring up another child - especially considering all the mistakes she made when bringing me up. I felt sorry for the children. I still do.. But I'm happier they are in this world - if purely for selfish reasons. I know I will never return to where I once was and therefore I have no intention of looking after my mother - no matter how sick or demented she gets. I've tried to be there for her in the past but each time it backfired on me and I ended up being the one in need of special care.. LOL

Now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I have no guilt for leaving her when I did. Anyone in their right frame of mind would have done exactly the same thing - I just hope that one day Maksim and Marina will understand why I left. One day. When they are old enough to understand..

But until then I have my own future to worry about..

Dan

None The Wiser

None the wiser..

I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say..

I'm confused and it seems like I'm just digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole and the deeper I dig the harder its getting for me to figure out what my next step should be. I sometimes wish I was one of those people that could just turn the cold shoulder and get on with things but I can't. I'm too emotional and always get too emotinally attached to things, issues, people.. And sometimes that can be a scary thing.

And the worst part, or the best (depending on how you look at it) is that I don't want to hurt people - and unless I totally detach myself physically and psychologically (how does one do that btw???) its kinda innevetable.

So, what's left for me to do?

Carry on in this state of confusion hoping that a brick will fall down telling what to do next? Give myself a good slap in across the melon, tell myself to snap out of it and carry on as I were? Or how about change my name and looks and emigrate to Bahrain to join Michael Jacksons harem of freaks?

I don't know...

I don't want to make any promises I can't keep cos if I'm not 100% sure that I can fulfill what's expected of me then I don't wanna go into something wholeheartedly. But what if me not doing something wholeheartedly hurts someone more than if I was to at least try and do it and fail??
Then what?

My head feels like its gonna explode. My brain is filled to the rim and heart is drowning in its own residues of emotion. Why am I so emotionally crippled? See, I know that if I was to mess things up I would regret it so badly, wishing I'd done things differently pounding my head against the wall doing everything in my might to turn back the hands of time so that I could put all the wrong things right. So if I KNOW this now, why then can't I just do NOW what I will consider would be right THEN??

I guess I'm just not that smart!

And I guess its just like my cousin Lysette always used to say; Everything I touch DOES turn to ka-ka..

Over and out,

Dan

Greetings from Ibiza!

Greetings from Ibiza!

OH MY MOTHERF***ING GOD!!!!!

I don't even know where to begin to be honest.

It's now been 3 days since I got back from the most amazing island in the world. And I am HATING being back in London. The second I stepped off the plane I started coughing and my nose started running. I think I actually might be allergic to the UK now.. Sad (but almost true!)
Me and Johnny arrived in Ibiza on Monday night and headed to our hotel in San Antonio. I know I know I know - it's SHIT - but seeing as we booked our accomodation so late it was all that was available. Honestly, it was like stepping into Ibiza Uncovered Special. What a load of mooses and hillbillies. *SHUDDER* Upon arrival, we were told that our hotel was double booked and we we're being transferred to Hotel Abrat instead. 'Here we go' I thought to myself. What a great start.. But to my delight Abrat was just by Cafe del Mar and Cafe Mambo overlooking the most perfect sunsets.

Funny enough I had no proper expectations for my holiday. Seeing as I haven't been on a proper one since 2001 all I wanted was to return with a tan. After 3 hrs sleep I got up in time for breakfast and managed to book a room for Per and Ralph as they were arriving that same morning and hadn't sorted any accomodation out for the first night. When Johnny got up we tried renting a car but no such luck. As thousands of tourists arrive on a daily basis getting hold of transportation is a real challange. We had to make do with public transport for the first 2 days until we could pick up the car we booked for Thursday.

Went for drinks to Eivissa town. Fucking hell. How pretty is that town?? The Old Town in particular. Phew. But fuck me sideways, the drinks are beng served at extortionate prices. No wonder more people choose drugs instead.. ;o)

Met some friends from Sweden I hadn't seen for a while and even bumped into the Lyon crowd from La Chapelle. Loved every second of it. Visited Dome, Splash and Babylon before heading to Anfora, the notorious gay club in Old Town. As cool as the club was I didn't care much for watching 'Bears' sucking eachother off on a screen strategically placed above each bar and even the dancefloor. *DUBBLE SHUDDER* However I thought it was cool of them to have a funky dark room.. LOL

Aaaaaanyhow.. Moving on. Wednesday was much more exciting. We moved into Vistabella Bungalows in Sa Serra and patiently waited for the remaining 14 from our group. In the meantime we lounged by the pool and baked a treat in the oven.. ;o) LOL By 1am the troops stormed in and The Party was about to get started!!!

We got divided into 4 groups; The Powder Puff House, Trash House, House of Fraser and of course my very own; D'House. What a hoot!! House of Fraser decided to head to La Troya at Space the second their suticases touched the ground as the rest looked forward to a nice chill out. They returned by 4pm the following day and apparently had the time of their lives. How I wished I'd been persuaded to tag along.. :o(

But MY night was just up and coming. With FUCK ME I'M FAMOUS @ Pacha on the agenda we were all buzzing like maniacs. Once again we headed to Old Eivissa Town, had glitzy drinks and waited for the Club Reps to arrive so we could get wristbands for the club. In a drunken daze, buzzing our tits off and heading to the club someone made a change of plan and before I knew it we were outside Amnesia!!!???

I was NOT ready for what I experienced, that's for sure!! The sheer magnitude of the club blew me away to oblivion. I have never in my life seen a more perfect venue. EVERYTHING about it was just PERFECTION! The temperature was perfect, the crowd looked amazing, the sound as crisp as a poppadom, no ques to the loos, no waiting to get served at the bar, the visuals were stunning and all the special effects were just mind blowing. There is actually video footage (not to be shown!!) of me holding one han on the railings and the other on a plam tree growing inside, mouth open wide, eyes even larger looking around disoriented but extatic! LOL

I LOOOOOOVED IT!!!

It was followed by a chillout at House of Fraser that lasted til late morning and finished by the pool in a daze.. ;op

Friday was a great night as we headed to Hed Kandi's secret Beach Party. We drove almost 2 hours down a dirt track that just kept getting smaller, darker and narrower a la Hills Have Eyes style. Me and Ashleigh were bricking it in the backseat and pleaded for Johnny to turn the car around positive that we were being lured for slaughter. But to our delight music through the pine woods indicated we were heading in the right direction. Finally we arrived at Playa l'Estanyol and got greeted by Beach Babes and ushered into the little cabana on the beach. Water lanterns and UV lights together with pumping Hed Kandi music made our night an unforgettable one. Thanks Kelly Marie for the invitation!!

2 hours sleep later we got ready for the highlight of the holiday! Matinee Group at Space!!

Wooooooooooooooooooo Hooooooooooooooooo!!!

I can honestly say that I had the time of my life. I have never seen such a good looking crowd. It was just stunning! All the houses were there together and wherever I turned I always saw a friendly face - something muchly appreciated at a club that holds 7000 people and the chance of getting lost is pretty big. With 3 massive rooms boasting state of the art sound systems we were flying higher than Apollo bloody 13 now that's for sure. The highlight of the evening and as mentioned earlier the entire holiday came as Johnny thought we should check out the other room. As we entered La Terrazza I saw a fierece looking glam girl getting up on stage. She was dressed to the 9's and had the biggest afro ever.

The crowd went wild as she vocalised Moloko's Forever More -

"Let there be love

Everlasting

And it will live eternally

Will we receive without ever asking?

Im just curious

Got to find me somebody

But theres nobody

To love me

And its driving me crazy

Theres nobody to love me
Endless tears

Forever joy

To feel most every feeling

Forever more"

I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it. We we're in extacy - or ON extacy more like - together with a concucsion of who knows whatever else when all of a sudden the familiar beat to Deux - Sun Rising Up came blasting from the speakers. It wasn't until that very moment that I realised who the girl actually was; Rebekka Brown, and that was HER song. The entire room exploded in cheers and and I seriously thought that my soul was going to leave my body. I've died and gone to heaven I thought!!

"Life has been faded into grey

All over my place, all over my heart, all over my life

No signs showing me a way out

Or telling my soul how to get out of this neverending hole of darkness surrounding my life

The absence of a tear has been the only moment of happiness I've ever had

Could not believe in me.

Couldn't see the better things I had to give

Even to myselfI was waiting for nothing, for no one, for the end...
Before you came and showed me the reason why

You came running through rows of bright light and shining stars

Rising rows of silver horses, you came sailing through oceans of love,

Slide through a cascade of rainbows

Built by sparkling maidens

Your the reason why all these rays of light fall into my place

Your the reason why the sun is rising up even when it's dark at night

Your the reason why I think I'm falling in love

Sun rising up

But It's still tonight

I think I'm falling in love

I think I'm falling in love..."

I am in love with IBIZA! I can like soooo totally admit that. No shame in saying it whatsover.. ;o)

After 9 hours of dancing and hanging out with the glitzzy crowd at Space we headed to Bora Bora for a little chill and to catch the last rays of sunlight before heading hone and towrads the secret Nude part hosted by Smoking Jo nad Terry Hart. Bora Bora was just the best invention since fresh produce. I mean, what do people who've been out clubbing want more than anything else?? To go to a wicked chill out off course. And what better way to chill out than a beautiful beach with pumping music, gorgeous people and a fantastic turqoise ocean to cool down in..

And that was it - my 6 fantastic days on one of the most beautiful islands in the world. Sunday was spent slighly glum as everyone knew I was going home. Hrmpfhhhhhhhh... Beeeekooos I haaaaad to WOOOORK.. nja nja njaaaa njaa.. Phwrrrrrrtttttttt!!! Fucking shit fuckin pussy fuck m*ther f*cker! Aaaaaarrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhh!

The 4 houses came together and drove me off to the airport. We cried. We hugged and we promised eachother that we are gonna go back next year again! Now that is a promise I will hold everyone to! And THAT'S a promise! I can't wait...

Thanks to Johnny, Christian, Ashleigh, Scott, Pedro, Michael, Per, Ralph, Niklas, Romano, Charmaine, Alicia, Matt, Philippa, Shem and Gabriele for a fantastic holiday!

Love

Dan

The Welsh Madonna

Me and Johnny set off in our rental car round 1pm on Sunday the 30th of July. Heading to Cradiff and the experience of a lifetime, especially for Johnny who's never even been to a proper concert, ever. This was my birthday treat for myself and for him.

Closing in on Cardiff the traffic got horrendeous. Miles and miles of cues and excited Madonna lovers heading for the same experience. Puffy homos as far as the eyes can see.

Reached cardiff just before 6pm and dreaded that the stadium was gonna be jam packed by the time we got in - but to our delight elbowing through the crowd wasn't as bad as we originally thought. We reached the golden circle, where a couple of mates had had the enormous luck of getting wristbands for. But I guess that's what you get for queing up for 6 hours prior to the gig.

LOL

Paul Okenfold opened with a mixed set, covering up that Miss M was running over an hour late.
But in the end it was all worth it!! That woman sure knows how to put on a show. And to be honest, compared to Re-Invention tour where I paid £170 for a seated ticket, I only paid £70 for a general admission ticket and had the BEST view ever!! At one point, I swear, I could feel her sweat dripping down on me.. ;o)

Extatic!!

Dan