TWO MONTHS AGO I ALMOST ENDED MY LIFE...
This year came tumbling down like nothing before it. The COVID pandemic disrupted the world in unimaginable ways and left a trail of destruction, sadness and hardship in its wake.
I know it’s been a hard year for most people across the globe. I am no exception.
Furloughed from work I spent my days locked up at home, afraid of this virus and hellbent to stay away from it at any cost, isolating myself. I guess in the midst of it all I became a nasty person to be around and this affected my marriage in a really bad way. Like any couple, we had our issues but this time round we couldn’t work through them and we decided to separate.
In my mind I thought that we’d have the opportunity to somehow repair and mend what we broke but everything happened so fast. Within a month my then husband found a new place to live and moved out of our apartment, taking half of it with him.
I was left alone in a half empty dwelling with all the memories and ghosts of our past. Combined with not knowing what is happening at work, (my contract runs out on 30th of September), and the news that my company was letting 4300 people go, I started to spiral..
When Nemo took our dog Nellie for a couple of weeks I suddenly didn’t even have a reason so get out of bed..
Days merged into each other and the darkness surrounded me in such a way that I just couldn’t see a sliver of hope anymore.
I had lost everything that made me feel secure; the person that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. My partner in crime, my lover and my best friend. My entire world came crashing down on me and I was unable to crawl out of the wreckage. Instead I started sinking with the ship..
I have a lot of amazing people in my life. If you are reading this, then you are surely one of them. But reaching out to any of you was not possible for me. The shame of those dark thoughts combined with the crippling feeling of hopelessness made it impossible to reach out to anyone. And every day I sank further and further..
I am not a weak person. I am the opposite. But when a chain of events so destructive takes hold of your life there’s only so much a person can handle..
I thought of different ways of ending it all. Every way imaginable, I thought of it.
But a tiny part of me was still fighting, still hanging on and preventing me from taking that final step. That part of me was strong enough to muster up the courage and ask for help.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do!
Finding help wasn’t easy. Wherever I turned the phones just kept ringing and nobody answered. I was put in a phone queue and was told I was number 98 in line.
I waited and I waited. Hours went by. But that queue never seemed to shorten. I gave up.
Until next day. I tried again. I called different numbers, I searched the internet but it seemed that during the worst year in modern history many known helplines have been closed or disconnected.
Finally I managed to get hold of the psychiatric ward at the hospital here in Gothenburg and managed to get through. They took me in and helped me find my way back out of the deep hole I had spiraled down in. I am now in therapy, working through my issues. Some that are rooted deep in my childhood even. A lot of events throughout my life brought me to this place. It wasn’t “just” the stuff that happened this year. It was just the last drop that made my cup overflow...
Why am I telling you all this now?
There are two reasons. First of all, I know I am not the only one going through hell at the moment. There are more people out there that are struggling with the same emotions and are feeling hopeless and afraid.
If you are one of them then I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You don’t have to go through this alone. There is help to get!
Your life matters! YOU matter!
It may be hard to see when you are at your lowest point and everything feels hopeless. But know that you are loved and you are needed by the people in your life. Don’t give up! Ask for help. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.
Here are also the numbers where you can get help:
Psykiatrisk mottagning Östra: 031-3421000
Psykaukten Stockholm: 08-123 484 00
MIND självmordslinjen: 90101
AssistLine (UK) : 0800 689 5652
HopeLine (UK) : 0800 068 4141
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA):
1-800-273-8255
And here is a site with international helplines:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
I hope that this post can help someone who’s struggling and needs courage to ask for help.
The second reason for me posting this is because I find myself at a crossroads between the life I once knew and the scary future ahead..
I am lost and I am scared of what the future holds. I need help to discover what life could be again. Do you have any advice that could help me find my way back to myself again? Anything to help bring on the positive change I need..
Please send me a DM. Or share in this post and maybe that advice can help someone else too...
I just know that I am still fighting. I am still pushing forward. I AM STILL ALIVE!
Feel free to share this post if you think it could help someone in need.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Dan ❤️
