Monday, 24 September 2012

Wandering Star

I cannot remember the last time I felt this lost and confused in my entire adult life. I have spent the last couple of weeks in turmoil, trying to get my head around what actually went down and how we ever ended up here in the first place. It’s the strangest situation and no matter how hard I try I can’t stop the tears from rolling down my face. There are some good days, of course. And then there are days like today. Days when I wish I never woke up. Days when the pain in my chest refuses to subside and a breath of air is hard to come by. When everything I see brings a beautiful memory to mind but instead of conveying a smile it only reminds me of what I no longer have..
There is a saying that goes ‘You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone’.
It has been haunting me for weeks now and compels me to put pen to paper and get my thoughts out in the open.  Never has that phrase felt more true to me than this very moment.

After a year and a bit of fantastic experiences with the man I love the relationship came to an abrupt halt. We came to the realisation that we are just too different and that the timing was way off for us to be building any kind of future together. Off course, the long distance took its toll as well as the insecurities that come with it. At times I felt like I was compromising my integrity by subduing my own emotions as my love was less eloquent with his.  Perhaps I was expecting too much.

But in retrospect I would trade all of my ‘tomorrows’ for just a single ’yesterday’.  
Because I know that he loves me. I know that deep down in his heart all of the things that he put up with during the time we spent together he did out of the love he feels for me. Just as I did with him.
And therein lies my dilemma. Never before have I experienced a breakup where both parties still love each other. And I just don’t know how to deal with it.
I know that time heals all wounds and that eventually this horrible feeling that’s festering inside my chest will subside. I just can’t help but think about all those ‘What if’s’..
What if we had met under different circumstances, would our chances had been greater ? What if I had listened to his advice from the beginning, would that have made things easier for us? What if he had given me all that I wanted, would I still have wanted him? What if I hadn’t allowed my insecurities to get the better of me, would we still be together?

Our biggest issue was communication. We just couldn’t communicate face to face. We had grown so accustomed to interacting online and via text message during the months we were apart that each time we saw each other we avoided to talk about the important and relevant issues. Mostly because the time we did have was so precious we never wanted to ruin it with seriousness. And as such the break up followed in those very footsteps. And that pains me more than I can put down in words.
If I had known what was coming I would have taken advantage of each minute we had left, made it count. Made it special.. But I am not a magician and I can’t undo what has been done. Nor am I a time traveller and I can’t go back and change what has happened.
I am just a simple man in love, with an aching heart and one last wish. Although the chances are slim and all the bridges have been burned I wish for the chance to see my baby one more time. For a single moment just forget all that went wrong and celebrate the things that were right. To make up for those last couple of days that should have ended in a better way and somehow re-mould the ending into something less regrettable.

Starlight, star bright, the star I wish upon tonight.
I wish may, I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight!

Monday, 2 July 2012

8 letters. 3 words.

Relationships are never easy. No one ever said that they were. But then again we as mankind don’t seem to like anything to be too easy. It seems we always strive for and want something that takes some fighting for. I guess that in the end the effort makes the reward so much greater.

Experience has solely taught me to fight for what I believe in and for what I really want. And I try with all my might to abide by that philosophy. But when you meet someone who’s beliefs are completely opposite from yours it gets really complicated. You start questioning if what you believe really is the right thing and you start to re-evaluate your thinking.

They say that all good relationships are based on equality. But equality can be hard to achieve. There are many factors that play vital parts in obtaining some sort of balance. Different circumstances all add to the equation. Age, experiences, background, education, financial status, upbringing, culture and environment are amongst the most vital ones. 

Overcoming these obstacles can be difficult but not impossible when it’s a question of love. The important thing is to recognise each other’s strengths and weaknesses and work together to balance them out as a couple. I for instance don’t have a higher education to fall back on. Flunking after high school I have always relied on luck to get by in life. It has worked out pretty good so far but as a result I often find myself in situations where I feel incredibly stupid in intellectual conversations. I wouldn’t call myself unintelligent but I sure am no intellectual. Having grown up trilingual I feel as if I’ve mastered the languages to a ‘get by adequately’ level. It’s only when I get to Serbia, my country of birth, that I feel like a tourist who’s just learned the language from a guidebook. I know it’s not intentional but sometimes people I speak with can make me feel really dumb. Good thing that the man I’m with has studied philology all his adult life and can help me correct some of the mistakes I make on a daily basis.

At times I use generosity to make up for feeling stupid. I have been brought up with a sharing mentality and one of my beliefs is that happiness is always at its best when it’s shared with your near and dear ones. I am not a materialistic person. Anyone who knows me can vouch for that. But when I am able to I will make sure that everyone around me is fed and dined and is having a good time. But sadly, this can sometimes be perceived in a wrong way and people feel overpowered.
It is not my intention to make anyone feel bad or feel that they are worth less by any means. On the contrary, when I come to Serbia I have enough money to treat myself to a lifestyle I can’t quite afford back home in Sweden. I splurge on cab fares, clothes, restaurants and travel. I do this because I can and I always try to include my partner or my friends. When all's said and done how much fun is it to do anything alone?

I am also a very emotional person. I make all my decisions on a completely emotional level whilst my partner is more sensible when it comes to decision making. It took some time to get my head around his way of thinking and I still haven’t grasped it completely but I feel like I am finally getting there. It is no secret that our differences have caused trouble in our relationship. Sometimes to a breaking point. We have argued and we have fought and said some terrible things to each other.

Whoever said that words can cut deeper than the sharpest knife was right. Some of my oldest insecurities stem from unintentional things people have said in the past. But I am not much different as I too have made the same mistake. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope that the wound I caused doesn’t leave a scar.

It’s been a year now and living 1547 kilometres apart has not been easy most of the time. It’s taken some hard work, plenty of effort and a lot of soul searching and it seems we’ve reached a milestone.

All things considered, when you truly love someone you should do everything in your power to work through your differences. If you are lucky enough to find someone good in this world then do whatever it takes to keep them in your life because many people are not that lucky.
At the end of the day it all comes down to forgiving and forgetting and moving forward. Learning from your mistakes and growing with them. And to be able to let one another know how much you mean to each other. Eight letters. Three words. Very rarely heard. 

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Hopeless Romantic

Being a hopeless romantic is not easy. I never thought it would be.As our world keeps evolving and getting more modern by the click of a mouse we seem to be losing touch with what romance really is.

Growing up as a kid I loved getting lost in fairytales. I used to fantasize about one day meeting that special someone, getting swiped off my feet, riding with my lover into the sunset and living happily ever after. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a complete moron. I do have some sense left in me to know that fairytales aren’t real and that love rarely happens like it does in the movies. But then again, I also think, that if I still believe in romance like that surely there has to be more people that do out there in this world. Or is there?

I’ve come across a few individuals that claim to be as hopelessly romanticized as I am, but when push comes to shove it turns out that only in theory are they prepared to live out those emotions. In practice it’s a completely different matter. I don’t understand what people are so afraid of?If I had given up or lost hope that one day I will find someone who’ll fulfill me in the way that I would like them to then I would have packed my bags a long time ago and settled on a desert island away from the perils of reality. But I haven’t. I’m still here.

It Love at first sight’ said Kylie. ‘Love is a losing game’ replied Amy Winehouse. ‘Love tried to welcome me’ exclaimed Madonna. ‘Nothing’s real but Love’ announced Rebecca Ferguson.

I didn’t choose to be a romantic. It just happened. In all honesty I don’t know how. The prospects of me ever becoming one were slim to nothing seeing as my own mother never had any luck in that department. I kept witnessing one failed marriage after another. My nan only ever had one man. Once that was over she swore off men (and sex for that matter) forever. Never once did I see her or hear her speak of a man, ever. My granddad on the other hand was what Britney would call a Womanizer. He couldn’t get enough. He was chivalrous but never romantic.

So where did this stem from within me? Was it the lack of love and romance in my childhood that created this hunger? Or was it childhood defiance that made me go in the opposite direction to the people around me?

All I know is that I had no choice. And I still don’t.

Try as I may I find it hard to live without romance in my life. I yearn for it. I long for it. I need it!

But instead of waiting for someone to do something romantic for me I started doing things for the people in my life. I’m one of those guys that will fly across the globe to be with the one I love. I won’t see obstacles. I’ll see challenges that I can overcome. I will wake up in the middle of the night just to give my lover a kiss. I will leave little notes in pockets for them to find, sometime, one day. I will share everything I have. I will find out what makes them happy and try to multiply that by a hundred. I will write messages that later I’ll regret because I then realize how cheezy they sound – but feel right at the time. I will leave a flower at their doorstep for them to find when they come home. I will write crazy love letters that make no sense at all. I will shout my love from the highest mountain top. I will try and help make their dreams come true, even if there’s no logical way for me to do that. I will try. I will run through fire to comfort them when they’re sad. If I can’t, then I will cry with them. I will always be on their side, even if they’re wrong. I will try and make them laugh as much as I can. I will show them the world, if only so I can see it through their eyes. I will do anything I can to ensure their happiness. Or at least try to help them achieve it.

There’s no limit to what I am prepared to do, for someone I love. In the hope that maybe one day, someone would be prepared to do the same for me. Maybe these seem like small and insignificant things. But these things can make a world of difference.

That, to me, is romance. That to me is love. Maybe my view on love doesn’t coincide with yours. But it doesn’t mean that it’s not right.It’s a broad term that has many definitions. There’s no right or wrong in love.

The one thing I definitely do know about love is that it’s scary. Plunging in there’s not much else you can do but hope that someone’s there to catch you as you fall.Trust that they won’t break your heart once you let them roam free inside it and believe in an Ever After.

Hopeless. Romantic.

That’s me.