Feeling Blue

FEELING BLUE

FIRST A WARNING! THIS BLOG IS JUST RANDOM THOUGHTS COMING OUT COMPLETELY RANDOMLY SO DON'T EXPECT IT TO MAKE MUCH SENSE! I JUST NEED TO CLEAR MY HEAD!

Life works in mysterious ways!

Now isn't that an understatement of the century!? Full of surprises and unexpected turns you can never prepare yourself fully for what lurks around the corner.

You think you have it all mapped out and you enter the future with your hopes high and your mind set and then WHAM BAM you find yourself sitting in the disabled toilet at work blurring your eyes out and asking yourself; 'What happened??' I'll tell ya what happened. You got exactly what you bargained for! By thinking you're invincible and by arrogantly mapping your own life way ahead of you it looked back at ya and spat right in your face. The question now is; What are you going to do about it? Are you gonna just sit there and take it and wilt like a flower? Or are you gonna take the bull by the horns and show it who's the boss?

Now there is a decision that will either make or break you!

As I write this I'm feeling lost and confused after some of the blows I've been dealt over the last couple of weeks. Altho none are of any particular magnetude, they all seemed to happen simultaneously, causing the foundations of my world to slowly start cracking.

Ever since running away from home as a teenager I've always looked after myself, never wanting to burden anyone else. But being on my own, what I learned along the way I learned from strangers and sometimes when I felt homesick I would think back to old family values. From one troubled marriage my mother fled to another, to another country. Confused and divided between Sweden and Yugoslavia I guess I've always struggled with my identity. So I ran away to the UK - hoping that things would be better.

I can honestly say that I've never felt more confused that I am right now. Its funny though. I used to think that as people grow older all the pieces of the puzzle wold fall into place and BAM one day you'd feel comfortable in your own skin. I know now that its not as simple as that. Lifes generally more complicated and in order to understand life you need to embace it and accept it for what it is; A massive whirlwind that can't be manipulated nor controlled.
Changing your ways of thinking and living isn't the easiest thing, especially not if like mine your mind is so set in its ways that rust has appeared around the edges. But its worth a go. There are times in life when all you want to do is start afresh on a clean slate and something's telling me that that time is about to arrive... once again.

Right now I find myslef in a place where I've just had to sever all ties with my abusive, alcoholic mother after I found out that she completely humiliated herself (and me) during my fathers dead wifes wake. She told the whole (Serbian) party that I was gay - now don't get me wrong, I'm proud of who I am and I would never hide it - but my family in former Yugoslavia are so conservative that they don't understand the meaning of the word. What they picture when they hear the word GAY is death, desease, sodomy and eternal pergatory. Not the healthiest of outlooks for their first born son and grandson. To add salt to injury my mother decided to file for divorce (from her third husband) and wants to seperate my brother Maksim from his sister Marina. She wants to take the girl and start a new life back in Yugoslavia, while the 'bastard' boy is left with his dad in Sweden.

Tell me, are those the actions of a healthy and loving mother?

Now I'm battling an inner turnmoil as I try to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never get a proper chance to see my family from my dad's side. After this ordeal I'm shitting bricks just at the sheer thought of having to explain to them how I've chosen to live my life, wich coincidentally is putting sticks in the wheels of me furthering the exploration of my roots - adding to the confusion and feeling of being lost.

To top everything up it was brought to my attention that my flatmate, best friend and 'sister' has been having great difficulties accepting my boyfriend. Now you can imagine just how big a blow that was considering that we've all lived together for the last 6 months. This new found information is squeezing my heart to pieces and I feel a panick attack coming on. How did it all end up this way? In the beginning she loved him, I'm sure she did, the look in her eyes said everything. Or was I maybe fooled by her relief that I'd found someone so that she doesn't feel guilty for spending most of her time with her own boy?! And now when her own relationship is showing cracks she's made a U-turn on mine?

The feeling of being stuck between your best friend and your lover is such a headf*ck that I cannot possibly begin to describe. It literally feels like my head is about to explode and I am regressing back into a 3 year old just so that I don't have to deal with this issue.
I feel guilty for being in love with a person my best friend doesn't like. At the same time I feel guilty for my boyfriend not liking my best friend! I feel even guiltier for being the one responsible for them living under the same roof - as it was ME who instigated it, it was ME who made it happen and its ME who's now having to sort it out. But how?

She's already said that she want's to move out. Although I know that her financial situation is more reason for that decision than anything else, I still feel bad. I feel bad for 'choosing' my boyfriend over her. True enough, I've known him a fraction of the time that I've known her - but she can never give me what he can, and vice versa. But nonetheless I feel guilty..

Now, she's planning to move out, leave us alone, save up some money and head off to San Francisco where she's gonna try her very own Fresh Start! And as much as I'm sorry to hear that she wants to leave I feel like maybe, just maybe I can have a fresh start myself. But then there's the guilt again and the uncertainty. Will it work? What if it doesn't?? Then what do I do? When my best friend's on the other side of the globe and my loving boyfriend has long forgetten about me?? Then what...?

Like I said; Life is like an whirlwind that cannot be manipulated nor controlled so I'm gonna spread my wings and let it lift me and take me where ever it wants to. I'm ready to accept life for what it is instead of trying to manipulate it into what I'd like it to be.

Maybe this way I won't be facing as many disappointments..

Dan

Walk Like An Egyptian

Walk like an Egyptian

Since I can remember I have always been fascinated with ancient Egypt. As a kid I used to steal my moms kohl pencils and paint my face Egyptian style and fashion different head gears as I pretended to be a prince(ss)..

As I grew older my passion followed, unfortunately not in a way that could have enabled me to actually use it as a career move. If I'd played my cards right or if someone had noticed the burning interest within me perhaps they could have guided me in the right direction. I didn't have such luck. Instead I pursued another dream - I wanted to be an actor. But that dream crumbled and nothing came out of 3 years of acting school, apart from learning to improvise (which proved VERY useful in latter days).

Now at last I have another chance to rekindle my childhood passion. I've decided to take the plunge and against all odds head to the land of the ancient pharaohs. I booked the tickets a while back (when I still had some money) and as the trip was a part of Arron's birthday present I couldn't really talk about it. Can you imagine just how much I wanted to scream; I'M GOING TO EGYPT!!!!!

I told Arron about it just before we went on holiday as Mon kinda ruined the surprise by giving ME an Egyptian Guide Book for my b'day. Arron's a smart cookie and kinda figured it out and altho his birthday isn't until December 19th we're both ecstatic over the trip. A while back he mentioned something about wanting to spend Xmas somewhere completely un-Christmassy and what better place than Egypt to do that in?

I'm completely over the moon about the whole thing and although it was meant as gift to Arron for his 21st it was as much a gift to myself as I couldn't have thought of a better person to experience it with. Lets just hope he feels the same way!

We fly out on the 17th of December and stay for a week at Emile Hotel in Luxor.
Apparently on the top floor of the hotel there is a swimming pool overlooking the Nile on one side and Karnak Temple on the other. Across the river we're just a camel ride away from the Valley of The Kings (AND Queens) ;) as well as the Ramesseum and a handful of museums. I'm already secretly planning a night train excursion to Cairo where we'll get to see the pyramids and sphinx and everything else that crosses our path.

Yalla Yalla BRING IT ON!!!!

Dan

Friendship VS Love

Friedship VS Love

Getting stuck in the middle between a dear friend and someone you love is a horrible thing. I know that it happens all the time but just because it does happen doesn't make it easier to deal with.

What do you do when both sides seem to have a valid point? How do you choose between the two? Can you stay neutral at all?

I find myself stuck in the middle today and it feels as if I'm literally being ripped apart. I can't concentrate on work and my head feels like its about to explode!

The last week has brought on more headaches than I can remember ever having and right this minute I just wanna crawl down and hide under my desk. I feel like I've suddenly become a parent to two kids and its up to me to inflict peace and wisdom upon them - even tho I can't think of anything peaceful OR wise to say to either of them. The more I try to make things better the worse I seem to affect the situation.

I'm confused and sad and scared and lonely!

I wish this was all a bad dream and that soon i will wake up. Sadly, I'm old enough to distinguish dreams from reality. All I can hope for is a miracle!

D.

Je vas te dire un Secret..

Je vais te dire un Secret..

Let me tell you a Secret.. THE Secret to be exact.

In accordance to my previous blog (that raised a lot of thoughts and views) I've decided to stay in the cosmic realm but make it slightly more comprehendable.

A movie was brought to my attention last week that had absolutely nothing to do with UFO's, aliens or extra terrestrials altho it's about space and universe and cosmos. Its been widely studied and researched and the conclusion alwasy seems to end up the same - Space is a 'solid' matter that can be bent and moved to fit its surroundings and is affected by other 'things' around it.

We've all heard of The Butterfly Effect - a butteflys flapping wings in, say, Japan can send tiny motionwaves across the globe that can eventually escelate to a fully pledged hurricane. Just like human thought waves affect our surroundings and even the future.
I know this is a little bit far fetched but considering the people behind it aren't after a materialistic profit but instead want to teach people how to use The Secret to improve their lives and eventually achieve everything they ever wanted, its worth a try. There's absolutely NOTHING to loose.

I've already praised all the things I'm proud of in my life and everything I'm greatful for has been noted. I've even written out a cheque to myself for the sum of $500.000 to be cashed on my 30th birthday. I know the sum's not THAT much considering I could have put any amount I wanted - but I wanted it to be realistic (for me) and that way I can easily visualise it. Once that money's in the pot there's no limit to how much more will be made. I've also changed my way of thinking. Altho its not the easiest thing ridding yourself of all negative thoughts in Central London it is a work in progress and I'm sure I can feel a bit better already.. : )

The idea is that by power of thought you will be able to attract the things you desire the most; love, happiness, wealth, security etc. By exchanging negative thoughts for positive ones the vibe you send out will be different, attracting rather than repelling what you want the most. This is very logic to me. As everyone knows when we're in a bad mood we project vibes wether we want it or not and just like other people can sense that so can the universe. If we use our thoughts to instead evoke and summon what we'd really like we can affect 'motion' of space and through a series of events and by help of signs we can eventually achieve our goal.

So I'm passing this information on to anyone who'd like to wish themselves a bit of happy or a bit of wealthy or why not a bit of loved too just for good measure.

You can visit The Secret's website here or you can buy the book here or you can search info on YouTube to find out more..

Good luck!

Dan

We are NOT alone!

WE'RE NOT ALONE...

Have you ever wondered what lurks out there, in the open space surrounding our planet? Have you ever questioned if we truly are the most evolved and the most superior species?

There have been a lot of speculations surrounding this topic. Some of them leading back all the way to the time of the ancient aztecs and egyptians. Unidentified objects depicted alongside human-like figures in drawings and carvings inside the pyramids. Some might describe them as UFO's, or visitors, but most will dismiss it as jibberish.

Lately a strange hunger to find out exactly what's going on has awoken and I am slowly working through the facts. By reading up on books, checking out stories and examining some of the photographic evidence I find it very easy to believe..

There have always been errors and glitches in Darwins evolution theory. A missing link if you will - between the neantherthal man and the homosapien. And the more I keep reading up on the subject the more evident it becomes that we've been helped in the evolutionary process. In some way, 'someone's bridged the gap between animal and man, resulting in - US!

So far, my research has revealed some incredible theories and some frighetning facts;

* The Roswell Files - UFO's crashing in the New Mexican desert. Aircraft and 'pilots' found and instantly brushed under the carpet as 'Weather baloon exploded in desert'. When in reality the story is somewhat different. US state officials and previous employees of NASA, CIA, FBI, SETI etc. finally stepped forward and revealed the truth about that cover up.More can be read at http://roswellproof.homestead.com/

* NASA's UFO's - Thanks to the research from the Roswell events NASA has been studying the aircarfts found and replicated their of battleships and are learning more about them to this day. They are made including anti gravity matter and different metals are combined to give it great flexibility. Only way to manouver when you are flying at that speed. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8524267568796529301

*American Governments Weapons of Mass Destruction - being built in space. Laser machinery to be used in attacs against war on terror, any other human threat and finally - alien invasion. Some of the weapons have been in production for more than 20 years and it is unknown to unauthorised personel just how many of them are in orbit.

*Red Rain over Kerala, India - In 2001 the skies opened up over Kerala, India and poured down for 2 whole months. A monsoon some might say. Well, yes.. Only the rain was couloured red. Extensive research was carried out and scientists believe that alien bacteria came down with it. More can be read on; http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6146292.stm

*NASA video footage of the moon - after the first trip to the moon video footage was first released, then retracted from public use, after it became evident that it showed alien lifeforms. It was shot in UV light and although the astrounouts themselves saw nothing but the horizon, the video showed 'objects' moving around, some playfully investigating the human aircraft before sporadically disappearing into thin air. Additional footage showed the moons surface and what seemed to look like old ruins. http://cleveland.indymedia.org/news/2006/03/19222.php

* Ruins on Mars - And what about the findings on Mars. We've all seen pictures of what appears to be a large stone 'face' and not too far away there are what seems to be ruins of a city and even a massive Pyramid in the red desert. Now, thinking about it; WE have pyramids in the desert. We even have huge faces too, just look at the Sphynx. Wouldn't extraterrestrial life explain how the ancient Egyptians managed to build their pyramids in such a short period of time. And what connection did the egyptians have with the Aztecs? They built pyramids too. Where did this idea come from? http://www.runboard.com/bghosthuntersparadise.f15.t29

*Nazca Lines - 2000 years ago tribes in the Peruvian desert started 'drawing' lines and pictures of symbols and animals. The drawings were on a massive scale and could only be seen from the sky. The baffling question everyone asked was; If they only had basic 'technology' back in those days, how on earth could they make such huge images so precisely? And more importantly; WHO was meant to see them? Read more about them on; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazca_lines

There are so many things I could mention here but it would inevetably take up so much of both my time and yours reading this. I will not in any way try to impose my thoughts or beliefs on anyone. Its a free world and everyone's entiteled to their own opinion. All I ask is for you to look at these peices of evidence and hand on your heart say that they are complete fabrication.. I don't think that you can. But trust me, once you step foot into the world of the unknown you'll be wanting to know more and more - so prepare yourself for a journey to outter space..

Dan

Eurovision 2007

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST 2007

I remember being really excited when arriving at Niclas house for last years Eurovision Song Contest. We'd decided to make it a 'swedish evening' considering all of us used to watch the show almost religiously back home. Since moving to London I found that I missed a few years in between and saw this a great opportunity to get back into it. After all, what better way for such diverse countries to come together than through song?

Yeah right..

Halfway through the show, after listening to some of the entries (can't even remember any of them now) I couldn't believe just what a downhill ravine was awaiting the voting process. Normally, its the bit I'm always looking forward to - but last year - it was a nightmare!!!
Monster band Lordi worn the title for Finland with Hardrock Halleluja and I was ready to throw in the towel. A prestigeous melody contest had turned into ultimate trash TV where shrieking, headbanging puppets were allowed to represent countries. Idiocracy!

When advertised I couldn't have paid less attention to ESC this year. I accidentally saw when Scooch won the British part and nearly choked in disguist. So it was no surprise that when its started on TVon Saturday night I switched the channel. I had no intention of watching what once was an interesting viewable programme getting more and more ridiculed.

It wasn't until Mon texted me, saying that the Serbian song was actually quite good and that I should at least switch the TV on to see how the voting goes that I somewhat reluctantly changed the channel. Thinking about it, it was my favourite part of the show so why the hell not, I asked myself? Ron didn't look too impressed, slightly confused as to why I'd boycott the songs themselves and just watch the voting - I didn't have a reasonable explenation.. lol

Halfway through the countries casting immorally 'friendly' votes to their neighbours it became obvious that Serbias entry led by Marija Serifovic was on a winning trail. Not only were they given the highest votes by the countries once a part of them but recently at war (Croatia, Slovenia, Bosnia & Herzegovina, FYR Macedonia and Montenegro) but also managed to score high from such random countries as Austria, Georgia, Israel and Sweden.

How lucky(?) for me to be half Serbian, half Swedish and living in the UK. That in my eyes means 3 times more chance of victory. And I was glad to see that a Serbian truckdriver lesbian was crowned the Queen of this particular Eurovision. After being banned from participating for over 6 years due to the war in former Yugoslavia, Serbia has now hit back and reclaimed its throne with a great song in true Eurovision spirit.

Admittedly I didn't see any of the other entries, nor did I bother listening to them but if a song as beautiful as Molitva (Prayer) won this year then some of my faith in the show has been restored and I might give it another chance next year. Maybe even experience it firsthandedly from Belgrade myself? Now that would be something for the memoirs..

In the meantime, lets just hope that last years disaster was just a glitch in the system and that the future's brighter for the contest and the counties involved in it..

Dan

Full Moon Personality Disorder

FULL MOON PERSONALITY DISORDER

The second I woke up I could feel that the day was gonna go terribly wrong. Just a gut feeling in my stomach. Slight nausea and bad temper. Days like that its not even worth getting out of bed.

But what can you do when duty calls...?

At work, one thing started going wrong after another and before I knew it I was pulling my hair in all directions, praying to the ground to just open up and swallow me whole..

It wasn't til I got home that I found out that a full moon was lurking above us and suddenly everything started to make sense.

I don't know why it is but a full moon has got the strangest effect on me and makes me do the stupidest things. I don't know how many times I've ruined perfectly good days just cos I've been under the misty spell of the moon. It makes me think irrational thoughts. The kind that devours you and starts eating you from the inside for no apparent reason whatsoever. And let me tell you something, it aint no picknick in the park! Now if you're not prepared for the planetary allignments, that overwhelming state of confusion can be rather frightening. You wonder why all of a sudden you feel queezy at the thought of something ridiculous. You snap uncontrolably at people who are nice to you. You're walking around inside a raincloud and you can't make sense of the simplest circumstances. And it goes on for a couple of days. Its mad..

Now if you know there's a full moon on the horizon then it's a different story. You can prepare yourself for the madness to come and you'll knowingly dicard it as just a phase that will innevetably pass in a day or two. The only problem with me is I forget to keep track of it so each time it takes me by surprise causing havoc the very first day at least.

Now what I'd like to know is; Is there a cure for Moonstruck??

Dan

Midlife Crisis!?

Midlife Chrisis!?

Grey hair. Slightly flabbering belly. Obsession with the gym. A young boy as company...
Am I heading towards a midlife crisis??

I know that older men who date younger women are in some aspects considered cool and successful, if you will. When it comes to older women dating younger guys it starts getting a bit trickier. The controversy starts to kick in and people start frowning upon the image of a young man with an older woman. What does he see in her? What could she offer him, they wonder.
But what happens then when an older gay man starts dating someone considerably younger than himself? Is it considered cool or is it frowned upon?
I guess the answers to those questions depend on the actual age concerned and of course if the Old was over 60 and the Young under 18 it would be considered as wrong no matter who was looking. But if there's a.. lets say 8-10 years age difference, what then?

The reason I'm asking this is because I had a conversation with someone close to me about this matter and she revealed that she's been with her 'younger' man for almost 2 years now and although the age difference between them is only 6 years she fears for their future. She thinks that because of his young age he's not able to see and share her vision of their future. It scares her half to death as she's so in love with the boy that she'd do anything in order to insure that there IS a future to think about.
Most days are great she says and carry on for what seems like forever. But then all of a sudden, when least expected his immaturity shines through, automatically opening up a flood wave of emotions and fears. Lets face it, she's just reached her 30's while the boy is still in his mid 20's and although the boy's mature for his age I doubt his mind is concentrated on what career he's gonna go for or what the names of their children will be..
She fears that unless she spends most of her time with him he might 'forget' about what they've got and stray. She fears that someone younger, more interesting will come along and start meddling 'cos after all in this day and age nobody really gives a flying fcuk if someone's single or taken anymore. It's like the survival of the fittest. If you're fit enough and you fit the mould then what's to say you shouldn't give your best shot at 'stealing' someone else's hot property?

People are ruthless and the respect that once came with the words 'married' and 'relationship' has been blurred to an unrecognisable blur.
Having had that conversation I started thinking differently. I started questioning the laws of physics and now I'm feeling slightly confused myself.
When I was young I was always attracted to guys my own age (although they never showed much interest in me) and older guys were the ones who always tried to chat me up. I'd take one look at them and dismiss their advances without even blinking. The steady search for a 'friend' or 'companion' that had something in common with me lasted a long time. All through my juvenile teenage years to be exact. It wasn't til after I finished school and moved to London that I realised I could actually learn something from someone older than myself.. But even that backfired. The older guys I'd go for didn't reciprocate my feelings and in most occasions it didn't last longer than one night.
I was naïve and gullible and suffered fools gladly for the little satisfaction I got.. I didn't know any better..
And now??
Well, now I find myself understanding even less of the laws I tried to abide by and instead I'm with a boy who recently turned 20.
At first I was terrified. I didn't even dare to consider that it would be more than a one night stand. I mean, the boy is 20 for fcuk sake. He's got his entire life ahead of him and there's a huge world out there and he's nowhere near experienced all the treasures it has to offer.
But then we saw eachother again. And again. And again..
And before I knew it we were seeing eachother most days and the nights I fell asleep without him I found that I missed him something incredible. Slowly he's been putting my mind at ease. It takes a while for me to let my guard down. I've dealt with some tough shit in the past and although I try to give everyone I meet the benefit of a doubt I find it hard to trust them – until that trust has been earned!

He's a good kid. Kind, generous, sexy. But most of all he gives the best cuddles in the world. The kind that leave you wanting more.. He's got a big heart and somehow I'd like to think that there's no way that this boy could hurt me. At least not intentionally..
But that's just my heart thinking.
My mind on the other hand is a bit more cautious. I'm doing my best not to get carried away in the niceness that surrounds me and take everything as it comes. Day by day. But for someone who thinks a lot it's not the easiest thing to do.

And sometimes I do get carried away.. I fantasize about the house we're gonna build that will put Bill Gates to shame. I dream about all the places we're gonna travel to. I imagine the adventures these trips will take us on. I sometimes picture a bright future where there are children involved. A few houses spread out across the world and no worries worth mentioning..
I know it's silly, but I'm a romantic at heart and I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I also want to believe in the possibility of a soul mate. Someone who knows everything there is to know about you and who doesn't judge you. Instead they do their best to understand you and to be a part of you. Someone who'll love you unconditionally and who won't betray you for some slapper that can't respect the fact he's already spoken for. Someone who's willing to share your dreams and build them with you, uninterested in asking when, why or how. Someone to wake you up with kisses on sunny Sunday mornings. Someone who's not afraid to tell you how it is. Who makes you face your own shit and sticks by you to pick up the pieces. Someone you can always rely on no matter how high the mountains are or how deep the water is. Someone who'll always put you first. But most of all someone who'll grow old with you and who's love for you grows more with each day that passes..

I believe in Soul Mates..

They do exist!

Dan

World Economics By Cow

WORLD ECONOMICS BY COW!

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

I can see clearly now..

I can see clearly now the smoke is gone..

Like the heading states; I can see clearly now the smoke is gone!

Well basically, for those of you that don't know me that well I have been a recreational weed smoker for nearly 10 years now and it wasn't until this very Xmas that I decided to quit.

I started smoking weed when i was 15-16 years old (can't really remember exactly thanks to the huge smoke cloud in the way) and have done so up until the 31st of December last year. I deliberately smoked myself to oblivion and in a weird way experienced a Shamanistic Journey. This journey took me to my life as it would be if i continued on that path and believe you me it wasn't pretty. Then, as I slowly started coming back to myself I realised what i had to do. The message was literally written on the wall (or maybe it was a mirage, who can say?) and before I knew it i had made the decision for myself. For the sake of my future and mostly for the sake of my memories..

I started writing a journal when i was a kid and have more or less kept it up throughout the years thinking that it would be a great thing to read once I'm old and wrinkled like a Sun-Maid Sultana. I hink that scene from Amelie, with the man in the phonebooth getting reunited with his secret box of childhood long lost made a big impression on me. But glancing through the old diaries I noticed one reoccuring theme that kinda stiched together the last decade like a looooooong red thread - weed. And out of 365 pages in each book 300 of them said exactly the same thing; "Watched moves and got stoned", "Watched TV and got stoned", "Went to the cinema and got stoned", "Got stoned", "Not sure what I did yesterday but I know I got stoned" and mostly; "Can't remember what i did today"!

Scary, huh?

Not as scary as one day waking up and realising that I have lost so many great memories throughout the years and I'll probably never get them back again - but I can at least make sure I'll never forget any future ones! Apart form smoking the green junk I did all kinds of other stuff too; coke, pills, speed, K, Happy 5's, crystal and I even tried G once and at the time I was more than happy dealing with the effects of those drugs - mostly because i wasn't happy with my life and they helped me get away from the daily problems I was facing. I used to go out clubbing with my friends and stay out from thursday to monday morning. I enjoyed it immensly and I probably still would if my life hadn't taken a turn for the better. Guess i was lucky..

I still kinda miss it sometimes. I miss it because housemusic is my life and a lot of my friends are still very big clubbers. Heck, my best friend is a DJ and because of my change of heart I don't get to see him as much as i would like. After we came back from Ibiza something had changed inside me. Out there I went a bit mad and thinking back at it, it all kinda makes sense; a part of me was preparing myself for the changes to come and decided to go crazy one last time. It was a great time and I had a lot of fun but I came back a changed man. I knew my clubbing/drug days were over..

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying I've turned my back on my friends or clubbing all together. No! I just feel that I need to do a bit of soul searching a different way from now on, that's all. I know there's a loooong road ahead and it won't always be easy but deep down I'm absolutely convinced that the power of thought is the only way you can overcome anything you set your mind to. It's ALL in your head! If you wanna quit smoking, drinking, taking drugs - even eating or whatever happens to be your vice - if you put your mind to it 110% then you WILL succeed!

Gosh, I've been blabbering on for ages now and its time to stop.

I'll leave you with the famous quote from the amazing Chicken Run;
IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!

(blimey, I AM starting to remember things allready :o) )

Over and Out.

Dan